insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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