Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
