I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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