Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
