youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize