Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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