my phone needs a breathalizer
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
