not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
