remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
