dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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