Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
