i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
