just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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