I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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