Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
