I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
