What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I can't turn off my feet"
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
