That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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