I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
she looked like the before picture.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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