i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
