I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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