i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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