How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
