you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
