he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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