I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
