Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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