i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
