I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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