i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
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