He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
