if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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