Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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