you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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