I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
