i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Randomize
