Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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