Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
