This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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