News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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