Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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