Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize