I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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