at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Vodka?
Forever.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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