I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
