Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
