You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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