He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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