i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Randomize
