I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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