you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
i think my cat just said my name.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
