if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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