mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
