I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
