When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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