you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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