see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I just found a bag of teeth...
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Randomize
